HUMAN
by myPARABATAIisbetterthanyours
Summary: My first bucky fic folowing the Winter Soldier in his lifespan. It's really short but it's my first non fluff centralized fic and my first one not featuring lots of crack. So tada!


**AN: this is really short but i wanted to write a bucky fic. So tada. It might be awful i dunno, i wrote it at like 3 am. So R&R and read my other stuff pretty please!**

HUMAN

He was brave and courageous and fought any battle that his friend would fight. But even the bravest people don't want to die. When the HYRDRA soldier entered the car and pointed his terror-inducing weapon at Bucky, he panicked. Bucky, like any other sane person, didn't want to get disintegrated. He also didn't want his friend to die and he would have rather gone than Steve. So he grabbed the famous Captain America shield and started shooting, hoping that he could hit the soldier with the deadly weapon. There wasn't really a chance but he tried. And then he was out the hole in the train and he was hanging on, hoping that maybe Steve could save him. It was a blur really. Steve shouting his name, feeling the bar start to break and then falling. Screaming, hearing Steve's distant voice and then nothing.

When he wakes up, he's surprised to find a corporeal world. The same landscape he'd been in not long ago. And then he looks down, seeing half an arm. Pain registers first, then worry for Steve, then fear for himself. He feels the uncomfortable movement of being dragged and then he's out again, in too much pain to stay awake.

And he wakes again, opens his eyes to a laboratory. There are men, white-coat clad and wielding tools that he doesn't quite compute. It's vague, a blur really and he doesn't remember much about pain after the first awakening. And then they're talking to him, saying things that he doesn't understand. He can think only, numbly, of Steve.

"James Barnes." Voices say. That's the last time he hears his name. The last time he knows it, truly knows it.

She's tall and redheaded and they say that she's married. He doesn't know what that means exactly, only that there's someone else in her history. Someone that prevents him from being near her. But he doesn't care. Why should he?

He sneaks to her, stealing away to her room at night. She knows him, knows that he's damaged and not real but she loves him anyway. And nights relieve him of his burdens. He's allowed time out of his ice chest, the container that keeps him fresh. He spends it with her.

Natalia. That's her name. It's sweet to him. Like a foreign beauty.

And he needs her. And she loves him. She loves his embrace, the comfort he provides. She loves his breath, hot against her neck, and his hair falling around his face. She loves the feel of him against her.

She's a weakness. Love is a weakness, he hears. He knows that she's betrothed to someone, promised away like a horse at an auction. He thinks more of her. He doesn't show it but the feel of her arms around him or her lips on his skin fuels him. He shouldn't need her but he does and he doesn't want to lose her.

She's like a flicker of light in the blackness. Like a candle. Burning bright and steady until she's snuffed out or burns away. She burns too brightly sometimes, and it makes him afraid.

He's not supposed to know fear but with her he does.

He's afraid of her burning out, leaving him once again in the dark. He doesn't want her taken away- whether carried off or doused- he's afraid of being without her.

So when she goes away with this husband, he's angry and betrayed and scared. She's been lifted up and carried off. It's not fair.

And then he's back in his ice, locked away till they need him again. And he forgets about her. He forgets about the tall, redheaded, smart Russian girl who protected him. He remembers the smile and shining eyes not. He is wiped of her image and left once more in the blackness, carried into its arm by her absence. She doesn't know it but she's killing him, taking away his need.

He doesn't remember the Soldier Boy or the Russian Doll. He merely sees emptiness, a void filled with black. And the black is fear, a fear he doesn't see but feels.

He's told by someone important that he must kill Captain America. He doesn't know who the Captain is. He doesn't know that Steve Rogers is alone without his best friend and he doesn't know that he's far beyond talking. Steve Rogers is dying with every passing second.

But the Winter Soldier doesn't know this. He only knows that he has a target. He goes after his target. He finds him, tries to shoot him and tries to kill him. He's never had a try, just a result. But Steve Rogers doesn't die. He fights and says "Bucky". And the Winter Soldier doesn't know who that is. He's confused, using his voice for the first time since Natalia, the girl he doesn't remember.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" He demands, but neither has an answer.

And then he's gone, back in his chair with the man in front of him. He knows this man, knows that he's in charge and gives the orders. He also knows that the man's familiar, resembles the man who he fought today.

The Winter Soldier remembers Steve Rogers though. He remembers the eyes and smile and a voice calling "Jerk!" He stretches his vocals for the second time.

"Who is he? That man, I know him." But the man in charge grins and the Winter Soldier picks up on the panic.

"Wipe him." And the man's gone, leaving him alone with the white-coats and the pain. The power surging through his body, leaving him screaming and screaming and screaming. It's no use, the pain- as the man in charge says- makes it better, makes his life easier.

He's out again, fighting the Captain America again and he doesn't know him, but still there's that nagging feeling that his face is familiar. That his name means something.

Punch. Break glass. Throw. Kick. These things come naturally.

And then the familiar man is saying things. Telling him that this man knows him. The Winter Soldier's screaming now, saying he doesn't because he doesn't, he just knows his voice and face and eyes and he wants to scream.

"Till the end of the line." The man mumbles, blood drips from his mouth.

He finds him, floating in the lake, and the Winter Soldier grabs him. He leaves him on the shore because he needs to go. He needs to know who Bucky is. Who the hell is Bucky?

Natalia's there, a look dancing across her face. She knows Bucky and she remembers him, remembers his lips and touch and heartbeat. But she's gone, burning afresh with a new wick and wax, and she's been carried off by the man with the blond hair and lean muscles. The man that wields arrows and fights with agility.

Bucky's been told that this man came from carnivals but he doesn't care. He only sees his Natalia with the man, laughing and grinning and finding comfort in him. He's heard the stories of Natalia working alongside the sharpshooter as a partner and he knows, without a doubt, that they've sought comfort in each other's arms.

His candle's gone, his light in darkness, but now he's in glass room. He's surrounded by light so bright it's blinding. He's no longer wiped clean of memories and thoughts and sent off to kill; now he's got memories and thoughts but they're drowning him and he can't surface.

Out of the corner of his eye he'll glimpse his Russian Doll curled in Sharpshooter's arms, laughing and smirking. He feels the sharp, hot jab of jealously. Anger wants to break loose and rear its head. But he forces it all down and leaves.

He goes away now for days at a time. For a while it's no longer than a week or Steve goes looking. But then he gets braver and more accustomed to the world. He goes away and fights and meets others like Steve's friends.

He's not alone but he's not united either. He doesn't know the people. He doesn't recognize Steve's friend in the red iron suit.

So he goes.

And he comes back.

And he goes.

And then he returns again and he's greeted by his Natalia with a glinting ring.

So he grits his teeth, stays and sees her say "I do". He stays because she asks him to. She doesn't know that he remembers their nights together. He pretends he doesn't

So he leaves again and then returns to the Iron Suit married to his orange-haired girl and Nat is pregnant, boasting an inflated belly, and there's a red and blue spider boy.

And Steve asks him to stay for good so Bucky does because he loves Steve but it hurts. It hurts until his Russian Doll has her baby and she names Steve as the godfather and he sees her smile when she entrusts Bucky with her squirming brood.

So he stays and fights with them and he loves them and he lives with them. He is theirs now and he is walking in neither blinding light nor empty dark, he strides in the middle.

He is theirs and he needs them because they need him.


End file.
